fakeplasticlung

 Yesterday I was a bit stupid, whilst taking my medication, I put it in a small glass, accidently filled it up with warm water and it dissolved in front of my eyes. It's the first time I've come into contact with the powdery substance, and the strange thing is, this is my forth month on medication. So I've pretty much now spent the majority of this year on meds. I didn't drink what I had poured, chucked it away and did it properly.  

I was thinking how in all this time now, it's strange to compare it with before, I rarely drink alcohol anymore which helps, I remain more calm and my thoughts are not as rushed. The last time I was at uni, drunk, I was fixated by an idea for 15 minutes, thinking it over and over again. So like I finding like drinking alcohol only occasionally allows me to go out and have better times. It's strange because a year ago, I first started fighting it with going to therapy, but it would seem that sort of caused more problems than solved. I guess I could be grateful and say it did a few things, but like obviously over the past year, my anxiety and depression has never been at such a high and consistant level. To be having panic attacks for 2 and half years and for them to suddenly stop is a bit strange, and it's also strange to lose the voice of self loathing - not strange, just nice.

I find it annoying how a lot of things that made me anxious for a long time, have semi been resolved. I guess having never had my heart or head in the right place, I was always going to mess things up in the love department lol. Turns out the girl I kissed goodbye, who I thought I'd never see again, is coming back. Ha. She's in a relationship which is ok because to be honest, I wasn't really in the right place back then, and I'd rather just be good friends. So it's slightly annoying that I felt like shit for ages after that but time does move on, and it heals, which is nice. Also I managed to get something out of Louise which I had sort of suspected; she has had anxiety issues, and she had trouble with her housemates and fell out with them, had to move, close to exams and stuff and it made her pretty ill. I could sort of tell, well her facebook statuses were pretty suggestable - what did her boyfriend do? probably nothing. I've always known he's a complete plank. But yeah, as I told her about my problems, I thought it would be the nice thing to do and talk to her on msn a bit, seemingly she's fallen out with her boyfriend, and I said I'm sure it would be ok. I'm just to nice sometimes - lol, it will be the end of me. It's hard to ignore, she avoided me a lot or didn't really acknowledge my existance for along time - which hurt, because I had done nothing wrong, I'd never said anything to upset her ever. Yet I guess I did respond in a childish way at first, I was jealous, but then it was like I was so wound up with these problems it made things 10x worse, it was a serious "Ohhhh Shit!" moment. I'd like to think I've learnt from the experience though; if you like someone, tell them.

Other than that, been plonking around on keyboards and strumming guitar, should have stuff done by the end of the month. Going into Oxfam later to offer my services.  

I'm feeling a bit spoilt with Editors and Interpol releasing albums pretty close to each other. They're both pretty good albums, been singing to Editors in my car whilst on motorways like I don't give a shit! I went to Warwick at the weekend, managed to end up going down southbound on the M1. Don't ask.

Truth has it I've been listening to way too much new music recently! I've been listening to the new White Stripes album, whilst doing some work for my Dad this morning, and it is absolutely mental. There's a song called "Conquest" where Jack White yelps "CooooooooonQUEST!" and it goes a bit heavy metal with trumpets. Total randomness. Then there are two songs with bagpipes and a bit of Scottish poetry, a little hymn..i don't think it is suposed to be funny, but the guitar solos are so random, even the organ parts are like the crazy hammond solos from the 60s. It's hilarious. Also been listening to The National which is really great, Martha Wainwright to, and going to meet a friend in town later and go get hold of the Polytechnic album, and I'm looking forward to Cherry Ghost to.

I'm hoping to be working at Leicester Summer Sundae Festival in August, as long as I get a deposit off, all I have to do is 4 hours of litter picking and I get to see the whole festival for free. That's why I'm listening to lots of random bands. Hoping to go to Reading festival to. I recently saw the new cover  for the new Smashing Pumpkins single, it has Paris Hilton on the cover. A bit odd. I'm thinking Saturday is the best day, Bloc Party, Arcade Fire, Chili
Peppers...I'm gonna die.

Have had a group session down at Asdas so hopefully they might get back to me about a job, it went quite well, I think I sold myself as quite a good employee but as they have loads of these sessions can't be entirely sure! Atleast I'm trying, and I'm kept pretty busy through working for my Dad anyway, writing music, meeting up with friends. It's been cool. I've been put on repeat prescription which is helpful, I've totally bypassed the idea of therapy, which isn't so great but I don't really think anything is really bothering me so much right now, so maybe I'll do it when I get back to uni, because atleast that way I get 12 free sessions!
 
I thought Gordon Brown's little speach outside No.10 was a bit scary, seemed to be turning to each camera like "GRR!". "I will do my utmost mwuhahaha". It would be quite amusing if he resigned straight away, Tony would be a bit miffed. It's exciting I guess because it isn't often that you see them leave that way, but I think the fact that we knew he was leaving, and he was on tour for about a month, took some of the shine off it, the standing ovation in Parliament was pretty cool. I also laughed when I read Sir Menzies Campbell said he was going to 'rattle the cage of politics' - lol good luck.

My car broke down last night. Watched the sun rise as we waited for the pick up truck to arrive. Looks like the hose from the water to the radiator broke and it overheated, my car is pretty old though, 15 years, all the things behind the dashboard don't work very well so it's pretty much only heading in one direction right now. Which makes me feel quite sad, I think it is fixable this time but generally I won't be getting another car if it does come to the end of it's life so I might have a little cry if it comes to that!

Other than that I guess I've been feeling a bit shitty about like, medication and stuff. Slowly been dawning on me that I can't drink anymore - like I really do think it would be more beneficial for me to get better a lot more quickly, so I'm pretty much looking at just giving it up indefinately. I really hate drunk people! They're so annoying. This in itself sort of just starts a social problem, and the fact is that I'm thinking that I can't really afford to be going out every night and stuff, I guess it's like I'll just have to be straight up with my friends and tell the truth, because the peer pressure is very annoying. They all smoke weed as well - pretty much every day, whilst I just sit there like "meh". It is really strange to like, think about it. From like people you know since childhood, doing drugs, selling drugs, I mean it's not that serious. Except one friend I know smokes weed every day, does pills, pretty much in danger of going completely over the edge.

Am I to sensible? Yeah, but I know that substance abuse would just cause me more grief so it's just not going to happen and I'm far too much like my parents, which is worrying! I'm going to go book an appointment with a therapist this week. Get to the bottom of things - like I really can't be arsed to sit through "you should do this" again - I'm that convinced that something is there - to tell you the truth the meds relieve me of anxiety a lot, I haven't had a panic attack in a long time, and it's sad to think but it's kind of true - meds can do a lot more for you. It's not the greatest solution but I feel that, it takes you out of the wilderness some what and brings you down to a level where you feel more stabalised to deal with everything.

It's been the most interesting 3 months though.

I've been looking at some websites about mental health and various campaigns to raise awareness. It was in the news recently that £300 m is wasted every year on drugs that are not necessary to prescribe, or are bought and not used. It's obviously a big issue but I really have my doubts if it is publicised in a positive way. 1 in 3 people will contract cancer in their lives, 1 in 6 people will have mental difficulties; the number of people taking medication has increased and is likely to continue to do so. I think when they first came up with the different definitions for illnesses, back in the 70s, in the United States, about 50% of the nation believed they were suffering from these symptoms, and with the introduction of prozac, it wasn't until the 80's when they reviewed the whole thing and realised about 20% of people shouldn't be on them.

So they want to make ammendments to the 1983 Mental Health Bill but not necessarily ammendments that bring forward the sort of care people actually need. I think it's often difficult what to decide what is serious and what isn't serious. Take Phil Spector for example; he has bi-polar disorder and is accused of murdering an actress, and he has had previous run-ins with gun posession and generally being a bit loopy; but Stephen Fry on the other hand; just a comic and author and all tools of the trade; I think it's a bit stupid to have a new bill that is basically a generalisation that people with mental health problems are all the same, and rather than being cared for properly, it is like they want to instruct people where to live, and what places they can visit. How on earth is that going to work? They already section people under the Mental Health act because they're deemed to be a threat to society and themselves, therefore losing their human rights, according to statistics only 5% of homicides in Britain are related to mental illness, the rest are all drink and drug related.

I feel that, the ideas of madness and disorders can both be pretty far apart. People do go on to live life normally, whereas others don't. Take the former Pink Floyd leadsinger, Syd Barrett, who died earlier this year, he has schizophrenia and left the Floyd and spent 35 years in solitude. He was completely nuts but never hurt anyone. Even people in Government have had disorders; Winston Churchill and Benjamin Disraeli were both bi-polar.

You might remember a Cannabis advert on tv, I think it was Talk to Frank, where there is this brain shop and basically it's warning about the dangers of Cannabis drying up your brain. The advert itself, I think it's stigma for like, I don't think it was very positive or explained anything. It basically just said you'll end up going mental. Will you? Not necessarily, apparently only 13% of psychotic and schizophrenia are related to the use of Cannabis. Every drug has a different affect on people - and the fact is the British Government put little funding behind research anyway.

Probably why £300 m is wasted when it could be put elsewhere - with hospitals being closed down, meh what a mess!

Quite funny when Tony Blair first came into his premiership, I guess in a sense he destroyed the old bureaucrat image of politics, and it is really interesting 10 years on to hear Gordon Brown really going against all ideas of politics festering celebrities. He is very, very boring. In a way, Tony Blair not only destroyed the opposition for a decade, but I guess recently has shaped them into a carbon copy of himself 10 years ago. Image wise. Gordon Brown; feels like a different approach.

It's interesting, the world is generally in a period of transition. Sarkozy, the runnings for the American Presidency have begun, and also next year we''ll find out whether Putin will leave or not. It's sort of scary from my point of view, because the world I've grown used to, is leaving me behind. 10 years of my life were under Blair, the 10 years where I did the most growing up, I think it's like, with the depature of Blair, it's sort of almost saying goodbye to something I've grown used to, not saying I wanted it to continue. I think you have to admire Blair as quite a good communicator, I think that's the quality I'll best remember him for.

It's like there is a growing gap between the people and politicians, who I guess, sometimes try to hard. The fact is Tony Blair's whole aim was to correct that, and if you consider a lot of the scandals, he may have had a greater legacy if they didn't happen. So the idea of a written constitution, seems pretty crazy, almost like Gordon Brown is already putting his own stake in history. It's sounds like a good idea though.

The idea of Scottish independence as well, safe to say it's probably been the most interesting time in British politics for 10 years lol. I think they should go for it to be honest, the fact is that the whole terms of 'Great Britain' (England, Wales, Scotland) and the 'UK' (N Ireland thrown in) is pretty confusing anyway. It seems like really the Parliament have sort of put up their own sword to fall on, by setting up assemblies in these home nations. Think if we were
all separate it would give us greater incentives to join Europe. Be pretty fucking weird though, having a written constitution, the possibility of new currency, erm, the possibility of not having a House of Lords, wouldn't suprise me in a 100 so years time we had no Monarchy left. The world is radically changing and I think, younger people are becoming more alienated in the sense that, sort of have limited understanding in what is going on. Did I vote in the recent local elections? Nope.

Other than that, nice to see the sun shining today. Going to get stuck into revising for my last 2 exams and then watch Eurovision. Also going to book a holiday yaaaay. Also will probably go buy Rufus Wainwright's album on Monday, saw him perform on Jonathon Ross last night, really incredible stuff. His voice is a bit nasely but it's the most beautiful music. I don't know I guess my music tastes are pretty broad, always have been, but I know that a lot of men wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable listening to his lyrics (he is outwardly gay), I'm not sure. I'd like to think that like, going back to Blair you could say civil partnerships were quite an important achievement, but there does exist a homophobic attitude that is reflected quite a lot in Lads Magazines, and tabloids sometimes. 

I saw Willy Mason two nights ago (At the Leicester Charlotte) Quite possibly the best gig I've ever been to. The Charlotte is quite a small place so his music feels more intimate. He's got one of the most interesting voices, so fascinating to just stand and watch in silence. Really beautiful stuff. He played pretty much all of his songs, which is 2 albums worth of material. Infact yeah, he played every song. Which never happens. I loved it.

I don't know, had a bad moment, drunk to much and I wrote a suicide note out in my head. Then when I stepped back I thought 'wtf?'. It's not been happening a lot recently but the sheer, like, realisation that things are not really ok, been difficult to deal with. In the sense that I look back on the past few months and I was clearly not with it. The meds sort of work, I don't get anxious, but I do feel depressed from time to time, shall have to see where I am at the end of the month. Feel a lot better though I guess, it helps not drinking and stuff.

I don't know. I've sent Louise a message just to say hello, because like I did talk to her about it first awhile ago. Like telling people I've been having a few issues. I only mention it casually though and to be honest people don't really
understand why because I guess, not entirely, but on the surface it is like, I don't think you'd be able to tell. It troubles me, endlessly, it did for months. I'd wake up feeling anxious about nothing, simple things, I doesn't feel as intense
anymore, but there's just like this void or something. Not sure what it is, just feel lonely I guess, lonely in the sense of not having anyone to love, I don't know gets to a point where you feel that, I don't know but I guess the minute you start to think you're unloveable, that's when it happens. 

It's a bit distressing to be honest. I mean the fact is that on the surface I come across as quite a politice and nice person, I have been called sweet on many occasions, but it's like, all my memories from childhood are not particularly happy ones. My Dad told me the other day that he went through similar experiences at my age and it's just like; well shit. I don't know it obviously has crossed my mind loads, for the better part of a month I was thinking about disorders constantly. I don't know, it's not like I'm a total recluse but to be honest there's sort of no consistancy to my shyness and my more confident side. I don't feel totally out of control to the point where I have no idea what I'm doing, it is more like comfort zone material, which I haven't felt for awhile. It's been nice to like, not feel anxious and subdued, in a more positive way I guess. I've enjoyed being around my friends this month, the better parts of my personality have shone through some what. I don't know. Just feel like meh.

Don't really know. Figure when I go home I shall go see a therapist again. Get to the bottom of it all. Umm. Other than that things are alright. Enjoying the weather, just a shame I have to spend most of my time revising. lol. That's going ok, thinking of going to see my Tutor just to talk about stuff. 

Best go read up about the October Revolution. Woo-hoo!

Don't worry, I'm not going to complain about anything this time. I've been to the Doctors. Been prescribed cipralex which deals with depression and anxiety disorders. I mean the truth that I was so reluctant to go in the first place is because I'm generally a bit cautious and well, I think I've sort of started to think that it isn't such a bad thing giving it ago. The past 3 months have been a bit tough and well, the Doctor said that self help only works when it is treated right, and I think generally I think shutting off these anxious and depressed tendancies might help motivate me a bit. I mean I'm not really viewing medication as a long term solution but shall just see how it goes : )

I mean the doctor said things seemed to be spiralling out of control, they have to be honest, but at the moment I'm just happy that I'm doing something because like, I really like people had begun to notice that things were like, getting out of my control in the sense that i, well I still don't know. Have to visit a therapist at the end of the month and I think well, considering medication has been suggested there is every likelyhood that, we talked about my childhood and I'm not sure. Safe to say I'm clueless so hopefully things will make more sense later. I haven't actually started taking them yet but I think on Monday I will. I'm going home tomorrow so I think generally I don't think I've ever had a more perfect opportunity to give it a go because, if there are any side effects over the next 2 weeks, nothing is really being interrupted by dealing with it there. I'm going to spend most of my time revising and things so it will be quite a nice break. I haven't been home since the start of January, seems like a life time a go.

My parents have decorated the living room for the first time since I was born, lol, classic Dad type scenario, my Mum chooses all the colours and he just spends the sundays of the month painting it.

I'm going to give up drinking alcohol for the mean time to. I have been thinking about it since Xmas, it will stop panic attacks, but it is like, I think I was coming frustrated by the fact that I had to go out of my way to stop them, you know, I think I appreciate more that there was no real easy solution to this at all, it's been going on for years and I mean, i don't regret anything about that, it has just taken time and will continue to do so. I mean I am optimistic because I feel ready to tell people what has been going on, they have noticed that I seem a little distant, I mean I actually sort of hinted at it already so it won't come as much a suprise and I'm sort of like, just going to say there is nothing to worry about. I mean I really don't how it will change me but well, I don't really mind talking about it anymore.

I'm looking forward to going home though, going to Berlin in 2 weeks time to, I mean I think I am just going to take it easy. I mean the fact is my friends at home, all they ever want to do is smoke weed and go to pubs. I am the total opposite these days, I mean I do enjoy going out but I think it is just time I finally sat down and said "This has got to stop because it doesn't help".

I'm on my own today, my Dad would rather go see Watford lose to Chelsea than pick me up. FA Cup semi final in 2 weeks time. On the off chance that we get to Wembley, the likelyhood is that I would go. I really wish we had drawn Blackburn because we would have been a lot better off that way. I mean it would be great, FA Cup final at the new staidum, chance of a European place: get relegated. That for me would class as a brilliant season! I mean the Championship is generally a lot more competitive anyway and i'm slightly gutted that Watford are not in the fray because, well there are some really good teams.

I think it's a shame that ITV have got the coverage rights to the FA Cup and England internationals, they're shit. Atleast BBC has more personality and is actually fun to watch, even when Ian Wright is in a mood, all the banter about slying criticising England managers, John Motson going mental, Lawro making perculiar crips er I mean Quips! lol, Garth Crooks being a nob end, Ray Stubbs the niceset man in the world, it's such a shame that we'll have to be subject to complete cretins like, I don't even know their names, I swear they have Dave Basset on the panel and it's just...nuah. Atleast with the BBC it didn't like, my general consensus is that with ITV they're an advert channel and for the FA, it's always a case of money. lol. Sorry I'm complaining again! but I just think that I'm not really going to enjoy the next 4 years of televised football to be honest.

I bought the satirical paper Private Eye yesterday. It's really funny, took the piss out of the Bob Woolmer thing. lol. Apparently the Dail Mirror first ran with the headline :Exclusive: Woolmer dies of drugs and binger overdose!" and the next day it was "It's offical: Bob Woolmer was Murdered!" and the next day "Exclusive: No Arrests made in Woolmer erm thingy. I really dislike tabloids. One of the principle English lecturors recently had a rant in The Times about how Britain is turning into a 1984-esque culture, I don't know think it depends how you view things.

Anyhoo, Doctor Who is on tonight! Yeaaaaah.

I've been in the library a lot over the last 2 days, researching about Lenin & Bolshevism, pretty interesting really. Thinking about considering doing something about Russia for Dissertation, think it would challenge me and I'd find it enjoyable a lot. I've enjoyed just reading the past few days because it keeps my mind off things and keeps me occupied.

Have been listening to Incubus "Dig" and the new Kings of Leon song "On Call" all day. I have the crappest headphones ever, I bought them from a pound shop, and generally I love pound shops because they're just plain weird. The comical thing about these earphones is that they don't have a long enough lead. You'd have to be a midget to use these.  Arcade Fire album is out tomorrow, which is quite exciting I'm going to go after a lecture and buy it. So much for saving money, I think Biffy Clyro is out the same day but I think I'll just wait. Infact I spent this morning sorting out my mp3 player to sort out albums, and put all my Cds on my laptop and copied them on WMP to wma's, because itunes does it in mpeg4s which my mp3 player doesn't play - found out it doesn't play wma's either - what? I hate the music industry, I think it has something to do with the CD's being mpeg4 format only, so they only work on ipods if you use itunes. Think they're trying to change the law though. Would make sense, considering mp3 players probably won't be that important in a few years time, it is all about the phones and mp3 technology now!

Well that was an interesting paragraph! What else have I been up to? Errrr Went to Stoke recently to go swimming at Waterworld. Got up at 8am to go, was there at 10am (when it opens), found out it doesn't open till 2am. So we faced the most horrible thing that could ever happen to anyone, I'd rather go to Iraq than spend 4 hours in Stoke! Wasn't that bad actually, just looked about in an entertaining retail park - which had a toys 'r' us - haven't been to one in ages, and there was a pet shop - exciting really.

I enjoyed the lunar eclipse last night. Really beautiful. Reminds me of the Solar Eclipse; "don't look at it you will go blind!". I was in Devon I think on a beach, it was a surreal moment and I still remember it. It was cloudy, almost apocolyptic, and the birds flew across the horizon, it was really something special. I can't wait to see it in 2090! It is weird because my friends asked me what a lunar eclipse actually is, and that made me think that not a lot of people really step back and appreciate how amazing it is, I always like it in summer, during the evenings, just looking at the stars and thinking "there is so much more to life than this". I think a natural phenonemon of any kind, makes you think about every day things, crazy world really.

Umm. I'm hoping to apply for stewarding a festival or two over the summer, through Oxfam. Shall give me something to do. Also might get onto the National Trust and spend a week somewhere, also get a job somewhere. So I've been thinking about that to. Might actually wake up one day and consider going to see a Doctor soon, I've started self help again which is pretty focused this month, don't know, see how things go for now.

Anyhoo, urrr, yeah I'm gonna go I'm pretty tired! x.